Mysterious Hypnotic Flies Invade
Western Pennsylvania

     Monday, Sept. 2, 2002 (AP)--Scientists are baffled as unusual reports of mysterious mutated flies trickle in from the Pittsburgh, PA, area in what appears to be an insect phenomenon of unprecedented proportions. According to Dr. Laurence Niven, Associate Dean of the Entomology Research Department at the University of Pittsburgh, the normal housefly population of western Pennsylvania has been infiltrated by a new breed of fly with extremely agressive behaviors. "These flies can think," reports Niven, "and they are able to control humans." 
     This weekend alone, Niven's department received over a hundred phone calls from the Pittsburgh vicinity describing incidents involving houseflies that sounded like scenes from a horror movie. "One man called screaming," Niven's scretary, Dianne Armstrong, told CNN correspondents. "He said that flies had taken over his house and driven he and his family outside. Other people told stories of flies suddenly swarming in huge masses inside their homes." 
     Reports indicate that the flies produce bite wounds on humans, and UPMC spokesperson Dr. Mitchell Harvey confirmed rumors that these wounds cause infections which induce comatose-like states in the victims. "These people begin to act hypnotized," Harvey stated. "It's almost like they're being controlled by the flies, and they begin to do things that would be of benefit to flies, like setting out bowls of sugar water and bringing dog feces into their houses." UPMC hospitals in the tri-state area report nine confirmed cases of the newly named "Fly Hypnosis Disorder" so far. Other symptoms of FHD include a sudden and unreasonable fear of fly-swatters, insecticides, and fly-paper. 
     Matt Kelly of  Dravosburg, PA, informed CNN that his wife began buzzing and licking her arms after being bitten by one of the Hypnotic Flies. "It was horrible," he told reporters outside St. Francis Hospital, where his 28 year old wife, Jennifer, is being treated. "Within a few hours of being attacked, she began to act like a human fly. She ate all the sugar in the sugar bowl and then pounced on the cat's litter box like it was a box of chocolates." 
     People want to know how they can tell if the flies in their house might be from the dangerous mutated Hypnotic species. Insect researchers advise that if flies (i.) appear suddenly in large numbers; (ii.) seem to hide in light fixtures and behind Venetian blinds; and (iii.) tend to congregate on crystal chandeliers, then you've got Hypnotic Flies. Evacuate your home immediately. Call the Hypnotic Fly Hotline at (412) 310-1770 for assistance. 

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